Rain

Let the rain fallin’ on your face
Run into your eyes
Can you see the rainbow now
Through the stormy skies

Like two rivers flow
to the open sea
Someday we’ll reunite
for all eternity.

~ For A & G, and what they share

- Taken from Avril Lavigne's Two Rivers

Oomph.

Dust in the Wind

June 16, 1999

Espresso bars. Man, talk about an idea. Though I’ve never been a coffee freak, this seemed like the right place to be now. The place looked nice, an inviting coffee shade on the walls. Couples sat at the tables, talking, some of them holding hands. Quiet laughter. Happy moments. I walked across them and took a seat at the bar, ordered a Cappuccino. I couldn’t stand black coffee. Dropped a coin for the jukebox and chose an Eagles song. Didn’t really care which song it was. They always played the right songs.

Looking back at life was an easy thing. But today, it seemed painful, almost unwanted.

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes in curiosity…

Yeah, they always sang the right song. Two years and a traditional break-up later, there really was nothing more to dream about. Somehow all worries come when a woman is on your mind. Mmm… where have I heard that before?

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind…

Oh, but we were more. I have always felt this whole concept of being a “tiny speck in the universe” is full of bullshit. A term coined by a man who had nothing more to look forward to in life. But right now I couldn’t feel smaller. Inside and outside. The reason seemed smaller and smaller suddenly. You don’t love with permission. Why would you break up for fear of permission? You live your life, why does someone else get to decide who you live it with?

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea…

No! That’s not what I want to hear!

Aren’t these people who make your choices the ones you owe your entire life to? The ones who brought you up, the ones who appreciated your every decision, the ones who stood by you no matter what happened? Maybe all that doesn’t matter now… but leave them for a minute, what would you do? What would be your choice?

All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind…

It’s I who made it crumble. Not her, not anyone else. I pressed my temples to make the pain go away. But there was a throbbing so intense, and my thoughts were now coming faster than they could be processed.

Not because I have to, but because I want to, she had said once, and I don’t know why I remembered that line now. Maybe it was just one among the million lines I could have picked, but two seconds later, it was the right one. I had to get back. There will be no better choice. Even if there was I didn’t care.

Now don’t hang on
Would nothing last for ever but the earth and sky?

I stood up and dropped a couple of bills to cover my bill.

Nothing will last forever but the earth and sky. But it doesn’t matter if it’s five minutes or fifty years. It’s you who has to live your life fully.

As I walked past the door I was desperately trying to remember the movie which had that line. The song faded to an end.

Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
… In the wind…

I blocked it out.

***

July 14, 2003

Déjà vu. I couldn’t quite remember when it had happened before or what exactly had happened, but I felt it watching the late night show of If Only at the multiplex. Maybe nothing had actually happened. Or maybe it had just been a thought.

With her head on my shoulder, she was sobbing softly when the movie ended. Girls are such cry babies. As the lights came on I casually brushed a tear forming at the corner of my eye.

As I held her hand and walked to the parking lot, we were talking about tomorrow, how she had to reach office early and how I had to drop her off one hour before our usual morning schedule. A couple of whines from me and around seven from her later, she had got her way. I smiled. Two years into our marriage, holding her hand was more special than ever before.

People do understand. Even though they worry a bit at first, and ask you a hundred questions. But they deserve to ask. They’ve known you since you were born.

Strange how one song can change your life. But it’s stranger, when it’s the wrong song. But probably such things aren’t meant to be understood.

58 Days

4 hours, knowing you are going back.
2 days, feeling life will be worth waiting for.
54 days, more better than worse.
2 days, at crossroads.
4 hours, hoping for the future and wishing for the past.

I’m back now, and praying.

The Ride of Your Life

Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.

Jerry Seinfeld in SeinLanguage

Can't Shut Up

It was a strange conversation. And yet uncannily familiar.

I remember being here before. The time is different, and yet not so different that I don’t remember the last time. Not that we particularly enjoy them. To be honest, it’s not really enjoyable. Probably the word is not enjoy. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what it is. But you keep talking. You have to.

Why?

Broken Skies

It was a lovely morning. The weather was a pleasant 152 degrees, with the air pressing down on my head at just over 102 times the atmosphere’s. Neat.

I got up and stretched myself, too lazy to start my day. Today was a day off, just like any other day for the past 203,000 years. I had worked really hard to get my life going. And work had not been pretty. Everyday had involved dirt, slush, disembodied body parts, and corpses over a hundred thousand years old. Working at perfecting this technology of mine which had spread so far and wide, it was now almost universal. And I was at the center of this huge revolution, which made our life two miles below the earth so energy rich, that none of us would have to worry about it for at least the next three thousand years. Now we just called it the ocean. It was our mother, our life.

But there had been problems. There still were. We called them intruders. Bandits . Plunderers. Outlaws. Shameless pirates who destroyed our skies and looted our life. We planned and plotted as to how we would destroy them. Take back our rights, and get back what was rightfully ours. Maybe tomorrow…

My thoughts were interrupted by a raging noise from above which was all too familiar to me. It couldn't be. It couldn't! I rushed outside. O God!

The hundreds of us there could only stare in anger and shock as the brown skies rained themselves down. Rock and debris thudded our rooftops, reducing our houses to another chunk in the ocean where we lived. Now they wouldn’t stop till the ocean was dry.

The noise got louder and louder, and in less than ten minutes the skies had shattered. The monster had penetrated it. The monster, with seventy five teeth and three heads, and a neck that was several thousand feet long.

Humans. Goddam you bastards.

***

7,200 feet above the brown skies, the human wiped his forehead. It had been a long month. He walked down wearily to the company man’s office.

“We’re done with the drilling, sir. It’s looking good.”

“Let’s get on with it, Ahmed… start laying down the drill pipe. We need to start producing before the end of the week. This well’s got amazing oil reserves.”

Killing Me Softly

No experience. And yet.
Wow.

Yen Dee Tea We

I used to hate news. Or rather, The News. I wasn’t exactly proud about this apathy, but there wasn’t much I could do either. At home, they were just channels to get past, while stabbing madly at the Program+ remote button and quickly, cursing under my breath all those members of the family who chose to include just about every news channel in the Top20 list, before I reached my zone. Movies, music, television, and that included everything except “events from around the globe”!

But Man!, how things change! Now, five time zones west of India, I can claim to know more about what’s happening in the country than most guys or girls my age.

Dirty politics (almost everyday). Neat politics (a couple of days). Corrupt godmen. Angry crowds. A cricket-desperate country. Kabul Express. Dadagiri. Tainted ministries. An even more tainted opposition. Agrarian crises. Heroes being born. Heroes being convicted. Market corrections. Reservation shit. Goan Al-Qaeda. Orkut in trouble. Golden globe nominations. Tata factor. Responsible media (almost everday). Irresponsible media (a couple of days). Navjot Sidhu. Mamta Banerji. Laloo Yadav. Manmohan Singh. General Musharaff. John Abraham. Saurav Ganguly. Sania Mirza. Barkha Dutt. Srinivasan Jain. Monideepa Banerji. Arunachalam Vaidyanathan. Sunethra Chaudary. Vikram Chandra. Rahul Srivastav. Vir Sanghvi. Prannoy Roy.

So I happened to mention this to one of my friends a week ago. It’s been a while since I’d talked to him. About how news channels were making my life seem “complete and occupied”. He listened patiently. Too patiently, actually. Five minutes of my blah-blah later, he spoke for the first time:

“So, you living alone, huh?”
“Yup! Hey, how did you guess?”
“Oh, I was just asking.”

Two minutes after we hung up, I could swear I heard him say “Gotcha, sucker!”

Damn, I should get a life.

We

How far we’ve come is for the world to see.
How much we share is for us to know.
How long we’ll last is for time to tell.

But if we could decide, we’d say forever.

Another Day

Live another day
Climb a little higher
Find another reason to stay
Ashes in your hands
Mercy in your eyes
If you’re searching for a silent sky
You won’t find it here
Look another way
You won’t find it here
So die another day.

taken from Dream Theater's

Another Day

4 Years

It was a long time ago. I guess for some people memories never die. Damn how I wish it did. Time and thoughts, you can’t stop them.

Winamp and I have this deal. Couldn’t have heard a better song now:

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life.

Two different deserts. Not easy.

Life lasts four years. My friend A back in India would give me a Hi5 on that.

Spark of Life

The world comes to life, 1130. Good morning, sunshine.

First nurtient intake, 1210. Lunch should be a no-no now.

Crappy hindi movie, 1230. So these guys get paid for acting?

Assignment procrastination #1, 1250. Later.

Extraaa Innings, India v/s West Indies, 1305. "Cricket weds Entertainment"?

Deciding India's fate through a crystal ball, 1325. Oh My God.

Abhishek Bachchan gives away the shirt he wore in Dhoom2, 1350. OK, I love him.

Assignment procrastination #2, 1420. Later.

India bats, 1445. Join the blue billion.

Neverland beckons, 1525. No, I gotta watch this.

Assignment procrastination #2, 1630. Later.

223/9, 1840. Hmmm.

Thunderstorms, 1930. Walk that mile.

Phonecall from Bangalore, 1940. Joy.

West Indies 224/7, 49.4 overs, 2240. Tears.

Dinner, 2250. Food and consolation.

Water on me, 0025. Squeaky clean.

The Mailer, 0045. Contact information.

Assignment procrastination #3, 0120. Tomorrow.

beta.blogger.com, 0140. Dump.

20 moments. 19 forgotten.

One spark. I'm alive. :)

Not My Choice

Ups or Downs.
Highs or Lows.
Smiles or Frowns.

Laughs or Tears.

Joy or Sorrow.

Work or Play.

Now or Later.

Questions or Answers.

Yes or No.

You don't always get to choose.

Conversations of a Different Kind

“Can you know someone so well, it seems nothing can ever come between the two of you?”

“I don’t think so. And frankly, I don’t think I ever will. These are things you only dream about”

“I think so too.”

[timeframe]

“It’s weird. Sometimes I think the best things happen with you around. Sometimes I think I know you more than I know most people. And it’s not like we spend every day together…”

“It’s not weird. It’s just that we relate. To each other.”

“I guess you’re right. I hope it stays this way.”

“I hope so too.”

[timeframe]

“I know it’s true. And now I know for sure nothing can be wrong. And that nothing can go wrong. Nothing can come between us.”

“It’s true. And now it feels better knowing we both believe the same thing.”

“Absolutely.”

[timeframe]

“Things aren’t really the same, are they? What happened? What changed?”

“Does distance really make a difference? Didn’t we both believe it never could?”

“Beliefs change.”

“You did, too. So did I.”

“Is this the life we thought we would live? Is this how everything is supposed to end? Is this how you want it to be?”

“Is this how you want it to be?”

“Answer my question first.”

“I don’t want to.”

[timeframe]

“I feel I hardly know you anymore. I never thought it would come to this.”

“Neither did I.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I don’t know.”

[timeframe]

“I want things to be better with us.”

“So do I. So do I! What do we do about it?”

“Accept that life has changed. Accept that we have changed. That’s where we should start from.”

“We should. We will.”

[timeframe]

“Things are better now. A lot better.”

“They have to be. We’re better than to not let it be.”

“What if things go wrong again? How will we take it?”

“The same way we’re taking it now. The same way we realized that when we get back, it means much more than if things were always perfect. We’ll be all right.”

“Even if something goes wrong?”

“Even if everything goes wrong.”

Life's a road. Keep walking.

5 Minutes.

OK, I’ve never been a die-hard patriot… never made speeches about how much the motherland means to me, never told people about the nation and its glory, never talked about how I would give up my life for the country. None of that is even remotely me.

But then there are times.

The time when I made a fuss about the guy who thought it would be interesting to make faces when Jana Gana Mana was sung. The time when, along with the rest of the crowd, I booed the Britishers all through the cricket match of Lagaan. The time I ran out my hostel to make it in time for the Independence Day flag hoisting. The time I pitied our country in the hands of the politician who said the order of colours on the tricolour is green-white-saffron.

There are times.

But this is not about how patriotic I am. It’s about how, sometimes, a commercial film can bring about that feeling, even though you know there is nothing true about it. Swades started off for me as a normal, Shah Rukh movie in which all I would be able to do was sit through a boring (though novel) story for three hours. Now, when would those days come when Hindi movies would be worthy of the money spent!

And so these thoughts I kept repeating to myself, over and again, so that I could get everything across to the first person I met or called. This was going to be one bashing session! And then twenty minutes before the movie ended, the thoughts were no more. They just ceased to exist. All in five minutes:



Rahman magic? Art Direction? Camera work? Scene timing? I don’t know. Suddenly Mohan Bhargav was a hero. Suddenly the movie was a feeling. Suddenly India was a heartbeat.

In five minutes.

mydictionary.talk.pilani

Jul 26, 2001:
Surprisingly, what caught my attention most on entering BITS, Pilani was a yellow-white T-Shirt worn by a senior... and so much, that five years later, I'm still able to reproduce it here without getting a word wrong:

A to Z of BITS

Anc Bogs Crash Duck
Enthu Fundu Ghotu Hols Interface
Junta Kela Lacha Machi Niteout
Oht Psenti Qt Rod Stud Thadi
Uppi Vetti XCom Yo Zuk

I had no idea what those words meant, of course. But well, if this was what BITS was all about, I should find out soon, I made a pact with myself.

But I didn't need to, is what I realized. Less than a month later, these had replaced words that were part of my usual English vocabulary.

Aug 15, 2001, 0330:
A: Machchan, tomorrow's Independence Day celebs at C-Lawns da!
B: Sac it, machi. One day off and no way I'm giving up my crash!
A: Vetti b*****d, where's your patriotism da?
B: Yo India! Good enough?
A: But junta's gonna be there da!
B: Abe saale, lacha karke saade theen ho gaya... kal subah tera baap udaayega kya mujhe?

BITSian lingo comes with its realzations. Certain four-letter words, you discover, fit into every aspect of everyday speech and answers to everyday questions... and they can conver anything... happiness, sorrow, anger, amusement... you name the emotion, you get it!

Feb 3, 2002:
A: How the f*** was LinAl?
B: F***in bad da. Below av for sure machi.
A:Guss da. It's a f***ed course anyways.
B: Yea, but f***in grades matter man!
A: I've better things to worry about... have a f***in practice session today... gotta go.
B: F***in good da... enjoy!
A: Sure thing. You f***in take care OK?

Regional phrases are a rage as well. Never before was the desire to learn another language so strong:

Apr 2, 2003:
A: Kemonacho macha?
B: Ommala pee re. Got screwed at my seminar.
A: Guss podu machi... think about better things!
B: Kay kartoys tonight? Movie dekhe?
A: Illa dey. Ghotting to be done.
B: Anyaaaya over da. Sac out sometime!

So also, you're responsible for the evolution of the language. No one's content with using the hundred-odd words you already have. So you bring up your own, and then it's the rage of the wing then:

Oct 26, 2004:
A: How was OASIS macha?
B: Good shit da! Psenti OASIS and we really kicked butt!
A: Prof shows, the like?
B: Para good shit again... nothing like your psenti sem to freak out!

Now, what the HELL is good shit people ask. It's nothing, just a word coined up because the common variations like "sexy!" and "ommala god level macha!" seem to have slightly lost its charm over the years. And then you make efforts to make it a used word, and so now it's just goodshit, and no more good[space]shit.

Tough to get it unless you're a BITSian. But it would do well to keep a few words in mind... because when you're talking to one, he will invariable drop off a couple of these words. Now, this isn't thadi. It's just that he doesn't remember the actual words anymore :D

Gen: Generally. Simply. For no reason. Nothing special about it.
(usage) I'm gen sitting around. the movie's kinda gen, da. The grub was gen.

Da: More like a full stop. Tough to end a sentence without using this one.
(usage) Nothing, da. Fine, da. What's up, da? Take care, da. (basically any sentence has this added to this to give it a hint of concern)

Fuck: NOT an expletive. Used everywhere when you need to emphasize anything even remotely. It is understood there's no better alternative.
(usage) F***in' sexy morning da. F***in' good T-Shirt machi. F***in' irritating da.

Sac: Chill. Relax. Don't worry about it.
(usage) Am sacing out for a while now. That's sac da, just get the ropes tight. Sac out, I'll be there in a hour.

Hazaar: The set of all natural numbers excluding 1. The element from the set can be identified and picked out according to the needs of the speaker. Sometimes used in conjunction with junta, which carries a somewhat similar meaning, but more often refers to a crowd of people, or also to all people.
(usage)
How many people were there at the Kumbh Mela? Hazaar. [thousands]
How many people came for the RAF movie show? Hazaar. [hundreds]
How many people came to class today? Hazaar. [around 20-30]
How many answers can you think of to my question? Hazaar. [2 or 3]


Other variations include combining words or parts of words together so that their meanings change to suit the occasion... viz., goodshit means great or awesome, gen means nothing special... now pick out the shit from goodshit, and put it together with gen to make genshit, and now the word means hopeless/intolerable... or adding an "-ation" at the end of the word for better emphasis, viz., fuckation, sleepation, talkation and so on... but let's save further lessons for another time :D

Of a Sitcom and an Addiction

The theme music has played on my computer at least a thousand times. Non-watchers of this show have been driven to madness listening over and over and over again to the same music, the same words being looped every 23 minutes as we incessantly shuttle from one episode to the other.

We're feeling young today. Like it's 1995. Twelve years old. Season 2.

My CD pack is neatly stacked and labeled with a diligence that I have shown nowhere else, and to no one else. Flipping through the rack I finally find myself... Season 2, CD #1. The episode selection is random. Both of us don't care. We never did. Everything's been enqueued on Winamp anyways.

Shuffle.

Episode 2-06 starts. The One With the Baby on the Bus.

The outside world's gone. We're lost now.

...

Chandler: Please tell me you know which one is our baby.
Joey: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
Chandler: OK.
Joey: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us? OK, the mole came off.
Joey: Ahh!
Chandler: What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?
Joey: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
Joey: You got a better idea?
Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
Joey: Heads.
Chandler: Heads it is.
Joey: Yes! Whew!
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
Joey: Right. OK, OK, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

Laughter. Disastrous. Uncontrollable. Infectious. Clutching each other. Holding our stomachs. Tears in our eyes.

Cynics smirk. Like we care.

Of course, everyone is entitled to an opinion. That's why when someone says "Dude, how can you watch that show, the humor is so retarded!", all we say in reply is "So are we!" The way these six characters have influenced lives and our humor sense is out there for everyone to see. Not that we disrespect these varied opinions. There're no "This is the best show EVER!" or "HOW can anyone not like it!" lines that you'll hear from us. But if we have a bunch of these CDs and a couple of hours to kill, we won't have to think twice about what to do. :)

Just caught this video on YouTube... nothing great about it, but if you've followed every season with as much devotion and emotion as we have, then the sentiment will not be out of place...



For us, it's changed life in the perfect way... made every day a little happier... kept away every sorrow a little longer.

Ten years. If it's lasted us that long, it will last us forever.

Heeeeere, Kitty Kitty Kitty!

Try this with any feline that walks on four legs. But never try this with the CAT... there's no way you can get away with it. This is one kitty you can never tame. With every passing year this national test has made a habit of throwing a surprise in every test that not one of those coaching centers can think about. And these dudes (the guys who frame the paper HAVE to be called that!) are throwing the challenge wide open.

Think, junta! Think your brains out! Speculate. Take tests. Practice all you want. But on that fateful third Sunday of November, it's going to be anything but easy. We're going to give you something that will require you to keep your mind wide, WIDE open. And we're gonna make sure that's the only way you get into India's best B-Schools.

Every year the CAT has thrown in the most unexpected of surprises, ones that would make the most prepared of candidates marvel at the way these test setters never seem to be short of ways to open the gift wrapper. That's why it's still the most marvelled-at admission tests of the times.

CAT 2003: "Each question carries one mark. In distributing your time across the various sections, you are required to demonstrate your competancy across each of these sections."

Coacher line: "Whatever the case, each question carries the same marks. Scan the paper and do the ones you think are easiest..."

CAT 2004: "Questions x1-x2 carry half a mark each. Questions x3-x4 carry one mark each. Questions x5-x6 carry two marks each."

Coacher line: "Umm... Two mark questions. Best scoring. Make sure you attempt as many as possible. But the two markers are gonna be few. Make sure you get loads of them one markers, they're the ones high on the numbers! Half markers... do them in the end..."

CAT 2005: "In all there are 90 questions. Each section has 10 questions of one mark each, the remaining 20 questions are worth two marks each."

Coacher line: "Err... So, we hope you attempted all of those two markers..."

CAT 2006 bulletin: "... The test will be of 150 minutes duration..."

Coacher line: "Join us. We prepare you for anything that's in store!"

It's anyone's guess how much they can prepare you for! Everything just comes back to the same thing. The way, year after year, how the paper makes you go "Man!!"
You guys sitting there and framing the question paper, I bow to thee! :)

Home.

Well, a break of two and a half months again. And not without a reason.
Home, sweet home, could never have been more appropriate as it has been in the past ten weeks. So you have all the time in the world. So why don't you mail everyone you know, talk to everyone you would like to, and blog everyday and let the world know about what is happening in your life? Well, frankly, I couldn't care less! Who cares what you have (or don't have) to do at home! It's the best place on earth, no matter whatever you may think at any point in your life. Two months at home at a stretch, at this age... I won't say I haven't been irritated with the constant postponement of my joining dates on my job, but I keep telling myself: "When can you DREAM next of another two months like this?"
And I know the answer to that. At least not soon. Definitely.
Years later, when you get back from the places you are, things would have changed. People would have changed. Lives would have changed. But Home remains. Somehow it's the perpetual non-changing entity... something that lasts forever.
You have to leave home, but someday you'll to get back to it. That's when we all realize there's no place... like home.